Saturday, November 8, 2008

Reasons to Not Like Me

This weekend I got too drunk to volunteer and had my friend lie for me saying I had sun poisoning. I have a 1 in 32 chance of getting fired. I judge people by their zodiac sign. I get annoyed that the KCStar doesn't post the online horoscope until after noon on Fridays. If you are a biker who thinks that you have the same road rights as a car, don't bike next to my vehicle. I haven't visited my grandma in her nursing home for over a month. I hate it when people complain about traffic in Kansas City. You do not know the definition of traffic until you are sitting in a non-moving cab in Manhattan with no air-conditioning and a fat, stinking driver is commenting on how he's seen you before in your neighborhood, and how he likes how "thick" you're legs are. I'm such a bad gossip that I'm good. I don't like talking to neighbors because all I see are flashes in my head of my friends peeing in their yard at midnight. Sometimes in church I remember that last night I danced on top of a pool table and forgot to put on underwear this morning and have to put $20 in the jar. On that note, I don't do Jesus. My favorite part about Christmas is the alcohol. I cheat at drinking games. I was captain of the cheerleading squad, in the 6th grade, and my cooliarity status has been plummeting since. Even then I was tallest and put at the bottom of the pyramid and never the top- always the spotter, never the flyer-there is absolutely no glory at the bottom. I talk to myself. I don't like it when my mother is friendly and stops and talks to every checker working in the store. I love Miracle Whip. I love Cher. I love big hair - I feel it makes my large Polish ass look more in proportion. I cuss when I'm driving, fucks fly, and it probably looks like I have tourettes. I have a lot of nervous energy - if I were to write an autobiography, it would be titled, Overkill. I think my parents should have never let my dog keep his balls, and I chase after him threatening to judo chop them off! Then again, who am I kidding?

Who doesn't heart me? I'm so fucking charasmatic.

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